Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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