what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
