I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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