I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
