I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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