pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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