There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize