Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
