I could make wine with my vomit
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
