Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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