smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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