I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
