someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.