U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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