I never want to see another naked old woman again.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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