I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
