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DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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