Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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