How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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