Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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