I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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