I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Holy shit dude........stairs
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
