so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
