420 ftw
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
