i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
