I'm so fucking centered right now
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
