dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
