It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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