so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
