the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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