Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
