My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
