Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
