my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
