First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
