Pants 0. Shit 1.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
