There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
