i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
