He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
