i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
