If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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