didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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