I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
