We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
