I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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