literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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