You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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