I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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