I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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