I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
