I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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