i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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