I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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