I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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