I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
