Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
