Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
