Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
