To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
