So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
